An awesome birthday and one totally cool sister!

I read Kate's blog where she told of Jimmy complaining about his birthday always falling on John Calvin's family camping weekend. We did go quite a few years on Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends and it was a blast - one of my favorite things to do as a kid. But it got me thinking about Jimmy's birthdays.
The year he turned 16, I threw him a surprise birthday party at my apartment at RIT. How is that for a totally cool sister?
Okay, well I was semi-cool...I started freaking out when Mike Brown carted in the beer ball and stuck it in my sink, so I ran upstairs to hide and sent my boyfriend down to make sure Campus Safety didn't get called! I think they all had a really good time, and it was one time I got to play the role of totally cool older sister.

Happy 39th Birthday

It's been a long, tiring month emotionally. We drove to Wisconsin over Memorial Day weekend to scatter Jim's ashes on Forest Lake. Forest Lake is just about as far north in Wisconsin as you can get without having dual-citizenship (although there's a small slice of Michigan that gets in the way of the Canadian border). The picture above shows just how beautiful it is there. You can see why Jim loved it and wanted it to be his final resting place. It was worth the 17 hour drive to be part of the memorial Kate arranged.

We scattered Jim's ashes on our final day there. It turned out to be the perfect "Jim" day. It was sunny, but cool - a flannel shirt & jeans day - Jim's favorite. The long weekend had passed, so there wasn't anyone else on the lake. Kate's dad took us all out on the pontoon boat. As we left the dock, there was an eagle perched in one of the highest trees keeping an eye on us. Two flew in the sky as we motored between the two sites where we let Jim's ashes go. I believe that was significant. In Native American culture, both Bald and Golden Eagles are highly revered and considered sacred within their traditions and religion. Eagles are honored with great care and shown the deepest respect. They represent honesty, truth, majesty, strength, courage, wisdom, power and freedom. As they roam the sky, they are believed to have a special connection to God. The Eagle is considered to be a messenger to God. It was given the honor of carrying the prayers of man between the World of Earth and the World of Spirit, where the Creator and grandfathers reside. How fitting is that?

I had been really nervous about scattering Jim's ashes - another symbolic gesture of letting him go. Enough time had gone by that the shock that gets you through the funeral services that immediately follow death was gone. Was I going to completely lose it? I held it together. In the end, Jim wasn't any more gone than he was before we scattered his ashes. The wonderful stories and memories we shared of him around the dinner table were exactly the same before we scattered his ashes as they were after.

We finished up our visit by celebrating Jim's life and his 39th birthday. Kate's mom, Jenny, had ordered a beautiful white cake with a deer on it. Rachel helped Grandmommy light the candles on Daddy's cake and carry it out. We all sang Happy Birthday to Jim. I am eternally grateful to Kate for arranging such a wonderful private memorial service for Jim over his birthday. I also want to say thank you to Kate's parents, Tom & Jenny, for opening their home to the six of us.

Happy Birthday Bo. I miss you every single day. Love - Jude

May is a shower of tears

There's been much to say without any words to describe what's rattling around in my head. Starting April 30th and through the mid-June is a rough stretch for us. April 30th was my Dad's birthday. First one without Jimmy. May 11th was Mothers' Day. First one without Jimmy. Tomorrow is my birthday. First one without Jimmy. May 28th is Jimmy's birthday. First one without Jimmy. June 5th is Jake's birthday. First one without Jimmy. June 15th is Fathers' Day. First one without Jimmy. It's a month jam-packed full of firsts. We barely get through one first, and we're upon the next. I expected Mothers' and Fathers' Days to be rough, the birthdays surprised me a bit. I guess I forgot how family-oriented birthdays have always been for us.

At the end of May, we'll travel to Wisconsin to scatter Jim's ashes. I anticipate that will be very difficult for me. I feel like there needs to be some permanent monument to my brother, so that all remember he walked this earth and was loved dearly. I fully understand the human need for cemeteries. I spent a good portion of my youth helping to tend the graves of my grandmother's relatives, so I was raised with those monuments to loved ones. Scattering ashes into the wind is the the exact opposite of that permanence. The symbolism of it to me is quite overwhelming. Kate asked if I wanted to keep some of the ashes. I didn't. I already have a private part of Jimmy with me all the time, in my heart. He's with me all the time, I didn't feel that I needed a physical part of him to feel that connection. I guess that seems rather contradictory - I want a physical public monument, but not a private one?

I guess I found some words to explain the haunt in my eyes this month. I'll miss you tomorrow little brother.

My 5th Birthday: May 14th, 1970 - Me, Jimmy, and cousin Rich