Does he know?

Does he know that everyday I still miss him? I told him I would before he died, but does he know now that he's gone?
Does he know that today I got on Mark's bike trainer, looked to the shelves on the side, saw one of his tools in a case on which he'd written MARVENTANO, and I cried?
Does he know just how much of a space he had in my life? I sure didn't until he was gone. He was just Jim and I was just Judi, and we just were.
Now I'm just Judi, and I wonder...is he out there somewhere being just Jim, and does he know about the space?

Dear Jimmy

Well, after a year and 4 months, I've come to the conclusion that ice cream and cookies aren't a very good substitute for your phone calls. All I've gotten out of the deal is 15 extra pounds on my 5'2" frame. I'm beginning to resemble my Italian heritage!

I read a really funny book called "The Nonrunner's Marathon Guide for Women: Get Off Your Butt and On with Your Training" by Dawn Dais. It was hysterical and motivated me to, well, get off my butt and get on with my training! I've tried to get other people to run a marathon with me, including your wife, but they all sort of politely blow me off. So I guess it's just you and me bro. Strap on those running shoes, because we're going to do the Rochester half-marathon this September and then we're going to try and get a spot in the Disney marathon. That's 26.2 miles - I certainly hope you're up to it. Lord knows, I'm going to need your support as my natural state is lazy-ass. You'll remember that my "sport" of choice in high school was cheerleading. And that was when the word was literal - leading cheers. None of this back flip, jump from the top of a ten-person pyramid shit.

I picked the Disney marathon for us because the metal is totally cool - it's of Mickey Mouse. Doesn't that just seem like a metal we'd want? I can see us now: "Yeah, we're bad asses. We ran a MARATHON! Here's our Mickey Mouse metal to prove it!" as we laugh about how funny the Mickey metal is. Plus that's the one I was trying to talk you into training for before you got sick. You had what I thought was an excuse about being too tired. I'm sorry that I didn't realize it was more than just having a brand new baby. Kirsten is going to design me a T-shirt with your MyFaceBig on it to run in.

Mom bought me a new MP3 player for Christmas for us to listen to as we run an insane amount of miles. I put some Pearl Jam, Linkin' Park, and Nickelback on it. Probably not your favorites, but Mark says he believes the "angst" music helps me run out my anger. (And I'm still pretty angry.) But don't worry, I've got some pop-y stuff on there for you too - Katy Perry's Hot and Cold, The Racontours' Steady as She Goes, and Fergie's Glamorous. Oh and the Dixie Chicks! "Jude - who the hell is this???" :-)

I'm already up to 5.5 miles and can run/jog 72 minutes without my lungs or legs exploding, so if you need to hang back a bit to catch up to me it's okay. Just float along side and keep me company. You can chat at me - I don't mind. My thoughts are usually filled with you when I run anyways. It'd be nice to hear your voice.

I miss you lots and lots.
Love - Jude

Poetry

So I'm not a poet. I hate poetry. I just don't get it. It's annoying. This, however, was there when I woke up this morning. It was just all there in my head. It was like I was listening to someone else say the words over and over again until I got up and wrote it down. I've been dreaming very strange dreams lately. This I believe was my dreams that spilled over into my waking consciousness. Oh...and one last thing. I read Sarah's Key - a very good, very upsetting book about Jewish children in France during WWII. Perhaps my choice of reading material needs to be lighter.

Two worlds collide.
As nature tries to push them apart,
Love builds a house between the two worlds.
Bricks and mortar span the gap.
Nature rests.
Small ones exist between the two worlds as if it's one.
People forget...
Two different worlds.

An explosion.
She is knocked unconscious.
When she wakes, she is surrounded by rubble.
She tries to move.
Pain.
So much pain.
She steadies herself.
Looks around.

There are others.
She hears them, but dares not look.
She scans the world around her for shelter.
The house still stands.
She sees it has been knocked off its foundation.
Pushed back slightly from her world.
But it stands!
Its lights are dim.

She begins to walk towards the house.
She hears the others follow.
She knocks tentatively at the door.
A woman peeks out of the window, but does not answer.
Curtains are still as if the woman was never there.
She knocks again.
Louder this time.
The woman still does not answer.

She peeks in the window.
She see the mirrors are draped in black.
She summons her strength.
She calls the woman's name.
The air moves slightly.
The woman pulls back the door.
The woman gasps,
Recoils in horror.

She asks if they can come in.
She and the others.
Away from the devastation in their world.
The woman says "No."
"Please" she says, "It's cold and dark."
"I'm sorry" says the woman, "I can't."
The woman softly closes the door.
She hears the click of the lock, and what she believes are sobs.

Her tears fall.
She hears them behind her.
They are whispering to her.
"What did the woman say?"
She wipes her tears and turns to face them.
She averts her eyes from their faces to keep from crying.
The woman said "No."
"Why?" they whisper.

She sighs.
"I don't know" she says, "I'm sorry."
She looks up, into their eyes.
She sees the indescribable pain.
She wants to recoil. She understands.
She straightens up despite her wounds.
"Come" she says, "I will find us shelter."
They take her hands.

They turn to walk away.
They hear the ground move.
They look back to see the house shift.
Just a bit farther away from their world.
They hesitate.
She tugs at their hands.
She says "We'll come back. I promise."
They turn and walk with her.

She is all they have left.