Last year when Jimmy was diagnosed with cancer, he was training with me to run the 2006 Rochester Marathon Relay. We had a team made up our Mom, our Uncle Bob, and the two of us. Jim was so proud of me for starting to run when I turned 40 and was my own personal cheerleader/motivator/coach.
Over the past year, as Jimmy fought his cancer, I had a tough time getting out and hitting the pavement. I just couldn't do it without him. I also had a lot of unresolved guilt. At the end of July 2006, I went to visit him and we went running together. I kicked his ass. Then I teased him mercilessly. Seemingly the perfect run for an over-40, big sister! I should've known something was wrong. Come on...I'm not an athlete, I was 41, he was 4-years younger than me and a foot TALLER - which means a longer stride. I should've known. Instead I wrote it off to the tiredness that comes with just having a new baby, and basked in the euphoria of a moment of being superior, as only a sibling can. Now I know in my head that never in a million years would the medical community have found his colon cancer because he was tired and couldn't run. Maybe...maybe...they would've done a blood test and saw an elevated CEA level, but at that time it was only two months before the tumor blocked his colon and I'm sure by then it was pretty extensive. I realize in my head that even if I had pushed him and they found it in August, it really wasn't soon enough to make a difference. But that doesn't make it any easier in my heart. And so, I stopped running.
As I deal with my grief, I decided to begin running again - entering races in his honor. I hope to make him proud once again. I've chosen my first race as the Jingle Bell Run, a 5K fun run to benefit the Arthritis Foundation. I didn't have the strength to make my first run a run for cancer...I would've cried the entire 3.1 miles. Our Grandmother suffered from arthritis, so I believe Jim would like that I picked this as one of my first runs. Plus he'd get a kick out of me running in reindeer ears! Wish me luck and I'll post a photo with me crossing the finish line.
