Adj - "Causing or tending to cause sadness or depression of mind or spirit."
That about sums it up. Everything is still just all out of whack. "You'll find a new normal." "It gets better with time." Hmmmm... It is better. I don't believe I have the dreams as much anymore. I'm working, keeping up with my family. But my new normal contains this pervasive melancholy state. A constant empty chair in my peripheral vision.
About a month ago, I ordered an engraved brick to be placed on the RIT quarter-mile. It's the path Jim and I took from the dorms to classes daily while we attended RIT. It says "In Memory, Jim Marventano, IPKG 1992" I'm glad I did it, placed a semi-permanent marker dedicated to Jim, but it didn't lift my spirits.
I went to visit Kate and the kids over Halloween. It made me sad. Jim's gone from the house now. There are a few scattered snapshots and trinkets around, you see his handiwork in the projects he did, but it's clear he doesn't live there anymore and Kate has begun to live a whole life without him.
I came back and turned to fulfilling one of Jim's last wishes. Before Jim got sick, he'd begun finishing a portion of the basement as a playroom/half-bath for the kids. Dad single-handedly finished the basement for Jim over the weeks he was there. Jimmy was so grateful for all the work Dad did, and he talked to me about how he wanted to get him a new football jacket to say "Thank You." He never got the chance, so I took care of it for him. Again, I was glad I did it, but my mood didn't waiver.
Yesterday, I put up the holiday decorations around the house. The first box I opened had Jim's Santa hat lying right on top. I wore it around as I decorated yesterday thinking it would make me feel better. My melancholy mood didn't lift.
I still feel Jim got dealt one crap of a hand and that just wasn't fair. We all got ripped off. Some days I'm mostly angry. Some days I'm mostly sad. All days I just seem to exist in a melancholy state...my new normal it seems.
