It's been a rough 4 years and 8 months. For a long time, it needed to be about other people. The first year, it needed to be about Jim. I wouldn't have wanted to be any other place than standing beside my brother as he battled cancer. As Jim's health declined, so did all of ours. Stress has a way of eating at you from the inside. I filled the space in my body that stress took away with 10 pounds. The second year, it needed to be about family. Again, I wouldn't have wanted to be any other place than standing beside my family grieving together. Our health declined. Grief also has a way of eating at you from the inside. I filled the space grief took away with another 10 pounds. Then came the eggshells. You know the eggshells. The ones you walk on so as not to offend.
Kate's dating. Ouch. I'm happy for you. I know it's good for you.
Kate's engaged. Double ouch. I'm happy for you. I hope he's a good man for you and the kids.
The kids are experimenting calling him dad. Triple-diple ouch. I'm happy for them. It's not fair they grow up without a dad.
You see, it's not about me. It's not about how terribly sad I am that Kate and the kids don't have Jim. It's not about the pain that goes through my heart knowing the kids will call someone else "Dad." It's not about how awful I feel that life has to go on without him. We all want him back, but that's not going to happen. It's about lives needing to go on without him. ("Easy for you to say" says the heart to the mind.)
But see here's the thing...I believe now that it might need to start being all about me. Holding it all inside - 10 lbs of stress, 10 lbs of grief, for four + years has culminated in one very unhealthy body. One that feels 10 years older than her chronological age. I'm beginning to realize that it has to be all about me before I lose me altogether.
In this very public forum, I'd like to thank my angel, Lynn. She was there in the beginning of Jim's cancer journey. After he died, she patiently waited for me. Many times approaching me, but finding my heart not ready to make space for me again, she quietly stepped back to wait some more. Yesterday, she came to me like a butterfly. I was finally ready to see the beauty of me that awaits. It's going to be a journey back to health. I imagine it won't always be easy, but yesterday I stepped onto that path with Lynn. It's finally time for it to be all about me.
