"Putting the holiday season into perspective for all of us in Cancer World is a challenge. It's a time filled with traditions, laughter and making new memories. But cancer takes the bright colors of the holidays and shades them in gray. Nothing sparkles. Nothing twinkles. Cancer dims the lights."
So here goes...just because I am a sister, not a mother, father, wife, daughter, son, doesn't mean that my lights are any less dim. It angers me that people believe I shouldn't be still grieving the loss of my brother. People nod in agreement and sympathy when you say "You never get over the death of a child." or "It's so difficult for children to grow up without their father." or "She never remarried, she loved her husband so much." But if a sibling says "I miss my brother/sister everyday. It just isn't the same without them." We're cuckoo, there's something wrong with us that must be fixed.
Well, think about it people. I lived with my brother for 18 years, just as long as Mom and Dad did, longer than his wife and kids. He was my default playmate. I was his great protector. We learned to be who we are by observing and interacting with one another. I am me and he was him, in large part because of the other. We were rivals for our parents affection. We shared our annoyances at our parents, and teased each other about how we shared the quirks we complained about in them! We shared secrets. We freely fought, knowing the other wouldn't leave us forever. We would always be there for one another. Siblings are connected in ways different from all other familial relationships.
So I'm here to stand up for all grieving siblings. Let us miss our siblings forever. Don't put a timetable on our grief. Jim's death dimmed the lights. I don't want to buy new lights; I just want to adjust to living with less light.
2 comments:
I've been following your blog for quite some time - and I get it. I have 2 brothers and I don't think I'd ever get over the loss of either of them. But I have TWO!There aren't any other siblings besides you and Jim, so his absence is monumental. I feel for you. I feel HORRIBLE for Kate and I know she'll never be the same, but she's expected to go on and she will. No one will ever replace Jim, but someone else will eventually fill the vacant spot in her family. And that's expected.... Kate's a young woman with 2 kids and a lot of life ahead of her. No one including Jim would want her to be lonely. But for you, and for your parents...the spot he held will never be filled. The vacancy will always be a reminder. I'm sending you hope that there'll come a day when your grief shifts from sorrow and longing to gratitude and remembrance. But it will be on your terms, and it shouldn't be any other way. Not everyone will understand your pain, but everyone should give you the space to endure it in whatever way you need. Always thinking of you and your family!!! Merry Christmas!
Nothing Koo-Koo about missing your brother. He will only be your brother and you can never replace your brother. Kate will find a new husband and your niece and nephew will have that void filled, but who will be your brother? I'm not diminishing Kate's pain because she will hurt for Jim forever, I'm sure, but there will be someone else there. The kids are small and they will miss their dad, but someone else will take care of them.
You and your parents grieve a loss that can NEVER be replaced. Nobody can change that. Don't question your feelings, they belong to you and nobody else...OWN THEM...Don't doubt them. And poo-poo to anybody else who tells you differently.
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