Bravery

What exactly is bravery? The dictionary tells me that it's courage in the face of danger, difficulty, or pain. But I think the definition needs to go a bit farther than that. I'm willing to bet that most of us are brave in the sense that we'd run in a burning building to save our kid. I'm even brave enough to offer to undergo a very painful surgery to give my sibling a portion of my liver. All very brave, spectacular, things...but I think there's more...an every day bravery. The kind of bravery that pushes you out of your comfort zone; has you seek out new experiences. I don't think the Marventano clan has that. We're a very "in-our-comfort-zone, play-it-safe" kind of crew. I believe that's why Jim married Kate. Kate is one of the most "every-day" brave people I've met. From what I saw, Jim gave Kate a comfort zone and Kate took Jim out of his.

When the end was in sight, Jim and Kate had to discuss some difficult topics. One of them, which she put on her blog, was the issue of marrying again. Jim said he probably wouldn't marry again if the positions were reversed. I think probably what Jim was saying was that he wouldn't seek to go outside his comfort zone to date and marry again. I've watched Kate begin to date again, and I have to say that it is a true act of bravery. I can only imagine the pain and difficulty of that act. She didn't stop loving her husband, but yet she is trying to forge a relationship with another. I'm not sure I could attempt it. I don't know if I'm that brave.

Which leads me to a question I've been asking myself lately - "Am I making my children comfort-zone people?" Mark desperately wants some land. We both would love to move out of NYS. And yet, I'm unwilling to move my kids out of their school district and away from their friends. Jim and I went to the same school district for all but my Kindergarten year. We both have lifelong friends from our school years. Everyone I know who moved around a lot as a kid, tells me they hated it. They hated being the new kid and don't have those friendships from youth. But yet, I believe that's what makes them have that "everyday bravery" that I don't have. I both admire and fear that bravery. I'm just pretty sure I don't have it.

Off I go into 2010

So here I am at the beginning of another year. I ran 900.3 miles in 2009. I walked 130.9 miles. (I'm a gadget gal and love my Garmin GPS watch.) In energy expenditure that's about 103,000 calories...what I'd need to lose 30 pounds. Yet, I'm 4 pounds heavier than the beginning of last year. Hmmmm...I guess I haven't done so well avoiding emotional eating. So I decided that in 2010, I'll keep a health journal. I started writing on the first. I've decided to record what I eat, the exercise I do, and how I feel - physically & emotionally. The next morning, I'll read the previous day's entries and give myself kudos for good choices and figure out why I made bad ones. Then I'll move forward with my day, trying to do better.

I started 2010 with a 7.5 mile race in Mendon Ponds Park. A hilly course that my running partner Russ and I pushed to do at a 10:30 pace. Good choice. I made pretty good food choices too. We celebrate Christmas with Mark's sisters. I took a small plate at dinner, had seconds of salad instead of lasagna. Again good choices. I also had four glasses of wine. FOUR glasses. Upon reflection, that seems a little excessive and more than I remember others drinking. So why did I do it? Why did I drink four glasses of wine? Because when I'm with Mark and his sisters I get sad. I miss Jim. I drank to stay in the game so to speak. While I had a glass of wine in my hand, I could be involved and not curl up on the end of the couch feeling sorry for myself. I'm not sure if that was a good choice, a bad choice, or just a choice.

Christmas just sucked. I hated that Jim wasn't there with Kate and the kids. That they all woke up Christmas morning without him. He didn't get to sit with Kate on the couch and watch the kids open their gifts from Santa. Kate didn't get to share their excitement with him, and Rach & Jake weren't able to run to him and show him what they'd just opened. It bugs me every day that he's not there to walk Rachel to school; not there to help build a race track for Jake's matchbox cars. But I have to learn how to not eat my way through the sadness, and that's what I'll try to learn this year.