My former running partner, Melissa, jokingly refers to her food and exercise routine as the 300lb plan for it's inconsistency and her lack of motivation. I've been on that plan since January 10th, the day after the Disney Marathon. I've basically stopped running. Oh about once a week, I force myself on to the dreadmill to try and convince myself I haven't totally abandoned running, but my heart just isn't in it. I'm now trying to decide "Am I a runner?"
I've never run for the pure joy it brings me. I started running because Melissa and I got bored with walking and she said "Hey, I have this run/walk plan to do a 5K." That was in 2005. I kept running on and off over the past 5 years to help me deal with the stress of Jim's illness and grief of his death. Then I ran to complete the marathon we planned to do together - some unfinished business with Jim. Now I feel like I'm done. I don't see anything there for me now. I've never been an athlete. I'm a back-of-the-packer. I've never cared about becoming faster. Oh sure, the competitor in me does try and beat a previous time at races, but for the most part, running was just plodding along trying to go a particular distance.
I've considered that this is depression talking. It's still cold and icy outside. The sun looks inviting, deceiving you into believing it's not frigid out. You open the door and get that blast of cold reality. I have three friends within the past two months diagnosed with cancer - all beginning that difficult journey in treatment; one for the second time. The cancer door has been opened again. The cold, frigid air chilling me to the bones.
Maybe someday soon, the Spring warmth will entice me onto the roads again. Mother Nature will once again beckon me with her promise of growth and renewal. "Come" she'll say, "Let me soothe your hurt." But for now, I just want to hunker down against this icy blast...trying to keep my heart and soul from freezing up, and wondering "Am I a runner?"
6 comments:
Sounds all too familiar. Am I a runner?
Jude, you aren't alone. If it makes you feel any better I was at Niketown yesterday and they actually have t-shirts that read "Running Sucks" in a fancy gold script. Hilarious. I feel your pain and know you'll get out there again when the weather gets better. You have a cause to run for, you have a motivation, and you have friends and family cheering you on. Hugs, girl.
Of course you are a runner Judith!
Do you remember that quiz about what is your perfect exercise? Yours was running! (mine was yoga I'd like to point out). I want you to know that I'm officially OFF the 300 lb plan as of this morning. I even completed 3 miles n the dreadmill! I believe its the month of March. I read Kate's "angray rant" for the month of March & I want you both to know that you are not the only ones who "lose it" in the month of March. I am right there with ya & it happens every year. Why do you think the retired folk go to Florida? Hang in there & get your ass to kickboxing!
Oh, PS- I don't know how to edit so sorry for the typos above & Kate- I think I need one of those Running Sucks t-shirts!
Melissa - You really need to convince Russ that although you're graduating with a teaching degree this Spring, you can't work. Your focus needs to be motivating my ass. :-) Think he'll go for it?
There's a woman in my neighborhood. I call her The Running Mom. She has two little boys and teaches school in Mendon. She has perfect form. She has sporty outfits. She has intense concentration mixed with joy on her face as she runs. She IS a Runner.
Find your joy. xox Your Moderate-Slacker Friend.
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