Why me?

I watched the Barbara Walters special last night with her interview of Patrick Swayze. Cancer patients and their families need support. Often we find comfort in the stories of other patients and their families. How are they coping? What are their treatments? What are their feelings? It's all part of not wanting to face the beast alone. I don't remember the exact question Barbara asked Patrick, but I do remember a paraphrasing of his answer "Yes I get angry. Yes I ask WHY ME?!"

I struggle with that a lot. Not necessarily, why me, but why Jim, why us? Cancer doesn't just affect the patient - everyone who loves the patient is in the battle. And then, if or when cancer finally takes the patient, everyone who loves the patient is still left battling the aftermath of the beast. Trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered life.

Kate told me about a book - it's all quotes of people summing up their lives in six words. She asked friends what their six words would be. Mine came to me very quickly "I played it by the rules." I played it by the rules...I played it by the rules...

I've always been a rule-follower. I discovered very early that if I learned what expectations were and I beat them, praise followed. Here's documented proof from 1973 -

I have a stack of these things from my childhood. Plus more awards once I got in high school. I went to church and fully participated in the youth group for YEARS. I didn't do drugs. Once I started working, my performance reviews were always outstanding. I was like Pavlov's dogs - work hard, pat on the back, Judi salivates. My life is jam packed full of reaching for perfection.

Which leads to "And what did it get me?" What did it get me? What the hell did it get me!

Following the rules, didn't keep my brother from getting and dying from colon cancer. Which makes all those years looking for my next "kudos fix" look like such a waste of time. Religion didn't help either. But having read the bible all the way through several times (my childhood best friend was the minister's daughter) and looking at the state of affairs in the world then and now, I don't know why I thought it would have helped. They definitely clean God all up for Sunday School.

I wish I could go back to believing that life is simple - you follow the rules, good things happen. I want to take all my "Good Guy" coupons from the 2nd grade and trade them in exchange for a cure for cancer. Then I want to take all the effort I put in over the years trying to get those pats on the back for a job well done, and exchange it for a time machine. I want to load up the machine with cancer patients including Jim and transport them to the cure.

Life isn't simple...or fair, for a lot of people. I'd venture to guess that it isn't fair for a good majority of people. I can't change my past focus and efforts, but I can alter my behavior going forward. Instead of trying to be perfect, I think from now on I'll focus my energy on letting those I care about know that I love them. I was lucky - Jim knew I loved him. And in the end, that really was all that mattered.