Each year, with regularity, hurricane season arrives. There are many storms that pop up - some stay small and lose steam before they hit our coast. Others threaten, but then fizzle out. A few hit with enough force as to leave major damage in their wake.
This is my hurricane season. The clouds have gathered, rains have begun to fall, storms are building as I head towards September 17th. I look out on the horizon from my own personal lighthouse, wondering which waves might knock me on my ass. Having survived the storms before, I begin to have fears. Things like "Did he know how much I loved him? REALLY KNOW?" I'll be reminded by someone of something Jim said or did, and I panic - "I forgot that. Oh my god, I FORGOT THAT! What else am I forgetting? Am I forgetting him? All I have left are those memories, I can't lose them!"
I know that the intensity of my emotions will ebb like the cycle of the storm. The sun will come out for a while. I'll be able to catch my breath, and prepare for the next one. It's just that during hurricane season, the storms tend to pile one on top of the other, with very little clear sailing weather in between. The crying season has begun.
3 comments:
Don't worry - he knew. I've read your blog enough to see you are a caring, loving, insightful sister. He knew.
I love your image of hurricane season. I lost my brother (older and only) to a brain tumor 18 months ago - he would have been 55 on Sept 13.
As far as forgetting things, we're human so that can happen. Doesn't mean we don't care. I love when some distant memory surfaces. Kinda brings a smile that can turn the tears into rainbows :-) You will weather the storms with help from friends, family and God (in no particular order)
I wondered why at night when I am up alone and dad has gone to bed I just sit and cry. Reading your blog it came to me that my storm is also brewing and Sept 17 is on the horizon. Maybe his spirit is very near during this time and we can feel this and the sadness comes to the surface during these times. I also fear that I will forget. love ya Mom
It Blows.
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