Mark loved him too.

I found this picture of Mark and Jim at our wedding. Mark really loved Jim - he obviously had a way with his brother-in-laws, as Kate's brothers adored him too. I can't count the times Mark would do something with Jim or talk with him on the phone and he'd turn to me and say "I really like your brother." I'd smile and say "Me too." You can see in this picture why Jim was just so much fun to be around.

Sadness and jealousy

Christmas was difficult this year. There were a lot of tears, some shed in solitude, others shed in the presence of family. There was happiness, but it was tempered by a pervasive sadness. I expected this. What I didn't expect was that the saddest, most difficult day wouldn't be Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, or any of the days spent with my family. The most difficult, saddest day was New Year's Day...the day we celebrated with Mark and his family. We arrived at Mark's mom's house a little late due to our pitiful oven, so everyone was already there. As soon as I walked in the door, it hit me - took my breathe away, suffocated me, overwhelmed my head and heart - I don't get to walk in the door to see my brother anymore - ever; Mark does, he still has his sisters. Sadness and jealously, they walk hand-in-hand through my heart. I scoped out a chair in the corner, tried to smile and be happy for them. I made it through the celebration and hope I wasn't a wet blanket on their day. Even as I'm jealous, I'm glad Mark has his big sisters to watch out for him. People would say I got stronger for making it through that day, that next time it won't be so bad. I say they're full of shit. I don't want to get stronger. I'm strong enough, thank you. It won't ever be less sad being without Jimmy. I WANT MY BROTHER BACK!

A few thank yous...

I want to say thank you to a few wonderful family members whose Christmas gifts to me this year said "Your brother was proud of you for running. We're proud of you too. Keep it up!"

To my husband and his mom - who went in together and bought me the ultimate runner's gadget...a GPS monitor watch. Like Jimmy, I LOVE gadgets and technology. We couldn't wait to tell each other about a cool thing we found or bought. I wish I could tell Jim all about this. I know he'd have to have one too...only he'd get one with just a few more features, so he could say his was slightly better than mine. ;-) This new watch will keep me honest and motivated to keep moving! Mileage on my run list is now GPS calculated.

To my sister-in-law, niece and nephew - who bought me the coziest, fleece-lined jacket and pants. The jacket has a zipper pocket for my MP3 player. The sleeves have long cuffs that go down over most of your fingers; there's a cut out in the cuff for your thumb; and under the cuff is a little flap to tuck your fingers in when you first start out and are cold. It's very useful on those days when you only need gloves for the first 5 minutes and then have to carry them the rest of the way, hoping you don't drop one! It's been in the single digits when I ran the past two times, so this outfit has already gotten lots of use.

To my mom and dad - who bought me a second set of fleece-lined pants, so I don't have any excuses about skipping a second run on a particular week because the pants Kate gave me are in the laundry and it's cold out (like today)! They also gave me a fleece headband and gloves to layer up.
Now if I could just get my left foot to give me a break and heal up. It's not much fun limping through a run...