Christmas was difficult this year. There were a lot of tears, some shed in solitude, others shed in the presence of family. There was happiness, but it was tempered by a pervasive sadness. I expected this. What I didn't expect was that the saddest, most difficult day wouldn't be Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, or any of the days spent with my family. The most difficult, saddest day was New Year's Day...the day we celebrated with Mark and his family. We arrived at Mark's mom's house a little late due to our pitiful oven, so everyone was already there. As soon as I walked in the door, it hit me - took my breathe away, suffocated me, overwhelmed my head and heart - I don't get to walk in the door to see my brother anymore - ever; Mark does, he still has his sisters. Sadness and jealously, they walk hand-in-hand through my heart. I scoped out a chair in the corner, tried to smile and be happy for them. I made it through the celebration and hope I wasn't a wet blanket on their day. Even as I'm jealous, I'm glad Mark has his big sisters to watch out for him. People would say I got stronger for making it through that day, that next time it won't be so bad. I say they're full of shit. I don't want to get stronger. I'm strong enough, thank you. It won't ever be less sad being without Jimmy. I WANT MY BROTHER BACK!
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