Since Jim died, I've read two phenomenal books - Final Gifts - Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley, and Surviving the Death of a Sibling - Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies by T.J.Wray.
The first book, Final Gifts, I wish I'd read in those final weeks of Jim's life. The book jacket says "When someone we love is dying, it's hard to know how to help, what to do, what to say." I thought that I did pretty good...I still believe that, but I think I could've done better if I'd read this book earlier. I believe that Jim knew he was dying before I did (or at least was able to admit it to myself). It frightened me, made me terribly uncomfortable. But the fact was Jim was dying. Had I read this book earlier, I believe I could have been less fearful and been able to talk with Jim about it earlier and easier.
The second book is a blessing for any sibling who's grieving the loss of another sibling. I found it through the Web site of an organization called Compassionate Friends. It's wonderfully written, full of personal and relatable stories. Siblings are often the "forgotten bereaved." She talks about the sad fact that when an adult loses a brother or a sister, society often fails to recognize the depth of such a loss. It's just a phenomenal book. I'd read others on sibling grief and this was by far, the best one.
2 comments:
Oh Judi, you are not forgotten! Any of us who have siblings fear the experience you have endured with Jimmy and we think of you often. It is outside the natural order of things. A sibling is a lifemate. Even if you're not especialy close to a sibling, when the chips are down you know they'll be there. My heart aches for you at a special level. I admire your fortitude and coping strategies. Keep reading, keep running, keep remembering....and I will keep checking in on you!
~Linda
You know, I sit here and think of David and I and the relationship we have....which will never!!!! be as great as Jimmys and yours, but like you say they are our lifemates,family is the one thing that will always be there for us no matter what!! It is hard for me through this whole thing because Jim was more of a brother to me than a friend and that goes more unnoticed that anything. I am hurting in different ways than you,Kate,and your mom and dad and thats just the way it is! We all have our own memories and experiences with Jimmy so it is hard to tell people that a person in his life, like me, hurts so much! Sometimes people look at me like "oh, just a friend passed away" and it is so much more than that....I didn't hear from Jim for years in a row but boy when I saw him it was always like we left off at the same spot everytime. Jimmy was the best part of my screwed up childhood and always told me to look at the good things!! He was kind of a rock to me through my parents stupid problems. And thats why I am sad sad sad!!!! Thanks for letting me vent, I just feel sad! Love you Jeri
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