Nothing earth-shattering has happened in the Kling household. We bought a new stove with some of our tax-refund money. It's a really nice professional-style one, but is stainless steel, so eventually I'll have to swap all the other appliances out to match. I've been going to the gym. I made it through another cardio-circuit class Thursday without keeling over (which at one point seemed a likely scenario while I was hopping up and down on a BOSU balance trainer.) It snowed one of the nights last week and we got about 4 inches of thick wet snow on the ground. My poor crocus didn't know what to do! All things that make me miss Jimmy. I didn't realize how much we called one another and told each other every day stuff, until the phone connection to his office and his cell weren't there anymore.
I seem to have moved into different circles over the years. I have some really wonderful friends, but none of them are carry-overs from growing up. I see some of my old friends every once in a great while - a Christmas card or an e-mail here or there. It's wonderful to see them and hear about their lives, but it's sporadic contact at best. My friends are set in different times of my life - with very few of them wandering from one time to another. (For example, there's no high school friend who's still an integral part of my adult, married-with-children, life.) I've come to realize that Jimmy fulfilled many roles in my life - the one I'm missing the most lately was long-time friend. Someone who knew just about all my stories from then until now. He knew just about everyone who ever crossed my path. I could say "Hey - Greg's in Portugal now at the University of Lisbon." and he knew just who Greg was and that it was very much like him to be an academic in Lisbon. Jimmy knew why I'd want to know what Greg was doing almost 20 years after my circle moved to include a different set of friends. Don't get me wrong - I have Mark and I tell him just about everything, but things about people and places from before I knew him, just aren't of much interested to him. (Although sometimes it's a small world, as I found out Mark dated a friend of mine from Junior High...long after Jr. High!)
Life goes on, but I feel I've lost my historian - the person who tracked the details of my life. Almost like there was a book "The Marventano Children," which included interwoven chapters of our lives. We created that book together, each of us aware that the other one was adding to the book. Adding our interpretation of events in the other one's life. Hearing about a fight with a spouse and knowing they reacted the way they did because of growing up with our parents and grandparents. I've said before that Jimmy called me cheap in NYC when I refused to take a taxi from JFK to Central Park because the subway was so much cheaper. It's a funny story, but when he called me cheap, there were so many pages of our book that jumped out with those words that made it a good inside ribbing between the two of us.
There's no one that transcends time in my life like Jimmy did. Even going forward, if Mark and I live until we're 100 and 104, there will always be a good 27 years of my life that are dark for him. 27 years that really made me who I am and who he married. Chapters in the book written in a language only James Robert and I knew - things that made us the quirky, odd birds that we are. Now I'm just an odd bird and no one really understands why! He at least knew I was an odd bird and couldn't help it...it was Mom & Dad's fault! ;-)
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Today is Easter Sunday
Easter...one of my favorite holidays. There was such a build-up to Easter in our house. My Grandmother Swayne always made me a new dress for Easter. When I was old enough, I got to go with her to the store to pick out a pattern and material. My family used to go to my grandparents' house every weekend, so it was exciting to come down each Friday night and see how my new dress was progressing. I'd get to try it on for fit before she moved on to the next steps. Then she'd take me down to Nolan's in Auburn (the shoe store). Jimmy & I loved Nolan's. They had a teeny, tiny, little merry-go-round right in the store that you got to ride. Gram always bought me a brand new pair of paten-leather shoes. Every year, I'd BEG for the black ones and every year she bought white. There may have been one or two years that she gave in and bought black, but she was bound and determined to buy white to match the dresses she made me.
Then Easter arrived! The Easter bunny hid our baskets and it was so much fun to find them. I always found Jimmy's first - it was so big compared to mine that there weren't very many places to hide it! I'd get all dressed up in my new dress and shoes and we'd go to church. This was the best because on Easter I got to stay in church and not go out to Sunday school. I made sure I sat next to Grandma and not my mother. Mom would shush me if I got fidgety...Gram handed out candy! We went to a old church in the Village of Owasco where everyone sat in the same exact spot in the pews. I knew exactly where I belonged. We'd head over to my Dad's parents for dinner some years. My grandparents hard-boiled four eggs, then taped a silver dollar to each one and hid them around the house. Jimmy, my two older cousins, and I would have to find one each. It was only one egg with a silver dollar taped to it, but to me it was like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
After Jim & Kate moved South (and then later to Wisconsin), every year we traveled to his house for Easter . Sometimes it was just me and the kids. Sometimes Mom, or Mom and Dad, went too. It was at Jimmy's that I became the "egg hunt queen." When my niece and nephew were too small for candy in their plastic eggs, I hid age-appropriate toys. We were there last Easter when Jimmy was recovering from cryoablation surgery on his liver. I video-taped the Easter egg hunt and got a bit of Jimmy helping out Rachel by directing her to the eggs. I'm grateful to have gotten him on film - it was quite by accident as I was really just following the kids around.
This year I'm home thanks to the HF-L school district. Instead of an Easter break, my kids got a week off in February and another in April. I was pretty disappointed. Especially this year, I wanted to be with my niece and nephew. My sister-in-law was wonderful and let me send out the eggs for the hunt, even though I couldn't be there. I can't wait to see pictures.
I miss Jimmy a lot today. Our paths in life came together at Easter more than any other holiday. It might seem strange that I would feel his absence the most on Easter, but I do. Easter was kind of our thing, now it's just kind of mine.
Then Easter arrived! The Easter bunny hid our baskets and it was so much fun to find them. I always found Jimmy's first - it was so big compared to mine that there weren't very many places to hide it! I'd get all dressed up in my new dress and shoes and we'd go to church. This was the best because on Easter I got to stay in church and not go out to Sunday school. I made sure I sat next to Grandma and not my mother. Mom would shush me if I got fidgety...Gram handed out candy! We went to a old church in the Village of Owasco where everyone sat in the same exact spot in the pews. I knew exactly where I belonged. We'd head over to my Dad's parents for dinner some years. My grandparents hard-boiled four eggs, then taped a silver dollar to each one and hid them around the house. Jimmy, my two older cousins, and I would have to find one each. It was only one egg with a silver dollar taped to it, but to me it was like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
After Jim & Kate moved South (and then later to Wisconsin), every year we traveled to his house for Easter . Sometimes it was just me and the kids. Sometimes Mom, or Mom and Dad, went too. It was at Jimmy's that I became the "egg hunt queen." When my niece and nephew were too small for candy in their plastic eggs, I hid age-appropriate toys. We were there last Easter when Jimmy was recovering from cryoablation surgery on his liver. I video-taped the Easter egg hunt and got a bit of Jimmy helping out Rachel by directing her to the eggs. I'm grateful to have gotten him on film - it was quite by accident as I was really just following the kids around.
This year I'm home thanks to the HF-L school district. Instead of an Easter break, my kids got a week off in February and another in April. I was pretty disappointed. Especially this year, I wanted to be with my niece and nephew. My sister-in-law was wonderful and let me send out the eggs for the hunt, even though I couldn't be there. I can't wait to see pictures.
I miss Jimmy a lot today. Our paths in life came together at Easter more than any other holiday. It might seem strange that I would feel his absence the most on Easter, but I do. Easter was kind of our thing, now it's just kind of mine.
Friday, March 21, 2008
It's not In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
I'm trying to follow doctor's orders and cross-train. It's pretty difficult from the house, as there's only the snow covered road outside and my treadmill inside. So seven weeks ago I signed up for a Pilates continuing education class at the high school. That first night was a hoot - as I watched my muscles shake and fatigue very quickly. Who knew I hadn't used my abdominal muscles since before I had kids 16 years ago???! Seven weeks later, I'm doing pretty well in my Pilates class. I can roll down using my core and can almost roll back up slowly and smoothly...I'll admit there's a little bit of throwing my weight forward to try and get past that first little bit of a lift on the way back up. I like it and signed up for the next session, but it's only one night a week, so I decided to join a gym.
Yesterday, I went with my friend Cheryl and we signed up for a one-month membership to a place called "The Iron Butterfly" in Victor. Then we blissfully wandered ourselves in a "CardioCircuit" class. Oh my god - what a sweaty, out-of-shape, middle-age woman I am! And so helpfully, the room is lined with mirrors, so I get to enjoy watching how sweaty and out-of-shape I am for the entire 45 minutes! I'm certain that once my upper body muscles stop screaming at me for the abuse, that this will be great for me, but right now my head is thinkin' "How in the world can you run 5 miles, but not be able to rotate around a room for 45 minutes alternating between lifting 10 lb or less weights and doing cardio for two-to-three minute intervals?" It's amazing to me, but I can't. Thankfully, my friend Cheryl isn't an über-athlete, so I'm not totally shamed.
Today I'm going to get back on my good old treadmill and give my upper-body a break. Monday we're planning on taking a kickboxing class. I'll remember to put on the compression shorts for that one so the mirror doesn't mock me quite as bad.
Yesterday, I went with my friend Cheryl and we signed up for a one-month membership to a place called "The Iron Butterfly" in Victor. Then we blissfully wandered ourselves in a "CardioCircuit" class. Oh my god - what a sweaty, out-of-shape, middle-age woman I am! And so helpfully, the room is lined with mirrors, so I get to enjoy watching how sweaty and out-of-shape I am for the entire 45 minutes! I'm certain that once my upper body muscles stop screaming at me for the abuse, that this will be great for me, but right now my head is thinkin' "How in the world can you run 5 miles, but not be able to rotate around a room for 45 minutes alternating between lifting 10 lb or less weights and doing cardio for two-to-three minute intervals?" It's amazing to me, but I can't. Thankfully, my friend Cheryl isn't an über-athlete, so I'm not totally shamed.
Today I'm going to get back on my good old treadmill and give my upper-body a break. Monday we're planning on taking a kickboxing class. I'll remember to put on the compression shorts for that one so the mirror doesn't mock me quite as bad.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
6-months came and went...
March 17th - 6 months since Jimmy died, came and went just like any other day. The kids went to school, Mark puttered around the house on his day off, I worked on a SharePoint Services course. I don't know what I expected - maybe for the world to stop and recognize how much we all still hurt and miss Jim? I guess not, but something. Mom expressed her thoughts on the six-month anniversary day and they were pretty much the same.
Mark recognized something was wrong over the weekend and went out to buy me flowers. He suspected I was mad at him, but I was just grieving openly again. (I've become pretty good at hiding it - no one likes to see it, so I can see where he'd guess it was something he'd done.) The flowers were beautiful and I don't think he believed me when I told him I wasn't mad at him, I just needed a little time away from the house.
I realize death happens to families every day, but I now wonder what keeps us all from going batty with grief? My grief feels like that proverbial elephant in the room.
It's overwhelming to look at the entire elephant, and I'm afraid to even peek at the parts because I know it's an elephant in the room. As in "HOLY SHIT - there's an elephant in the room!" In the past six months, I've learned to gingerly step around my grief elephant, trying not to look it in the eye. No matter how careful I am, I still bump into it and get pretty bruised up in the process. The books I've read on grief tell me the elephant is living with me now and I've got to find a place for him. I didn't build my house to hold an elephant, especially this one. I'm not sure what to do with him, but I do know that until I stop being afraid to look at him, I'm going to keep getting bruised from the collisions.
Mark recognized something was wrong over the weekend and went out to buy me flowers. He suspected I was mad at him, but I was just grieving openly again. (I've become pretty good at hiding it - no one likes to see it, so I can see where he'd guess it was something he'd done.) The flowers were beautiful and I don't think he believed me when I told him I wasn't mad at him, I just needed a little time away from the house.
I realize death happens to families every day, but I now wonder what keeps us all from going batty with grief? My grief feels like that proverbial elephant in the room.
It's overwhelming to look at the entire elephant, and I'm afraid to even peek at the parts because I know it's an elephant in the room. As in "HOLY SHIT - there's an elephant in the room!" In the past six months, I've learned to gingerly step around my grief elephant, trying not to look it in the eye. No matter how careful I am, I still bump into it and get pretty bruised up in the process. The books I've read on grief tell me the elephant is living with me now and I've got to find a place for him. I didn't build my house to hold an elephant, especially this one. I'm not sure what to do with him, but I do know that until I stop being afraid to look at him, I'm going to keep getting bruised from the collisions.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Jim's Cornermen in the Relay for Life
If you've read Kate's blog, you know of "The Magnificent Six" — Jim and five of his closest friends: David, Joel, Keith, Mark and Scott. These were the guys Jim wanted to see one last time before he died. That was a huge acknowledgment of their friendship, as Jim really didn't want anyone except immediate family to visit him. I don't think it was that he was embarrassed, just that he knew he looked like he was dying and he didn't want people to remember him that way. Plus, from what I've read, when you're dying, you become very internally focused and it takes a lot of energy, which you don't have, to attend to the people around you.
Last year, before Jim's physical strength wanned, one of the Magnificent Six - Mark Kelly (shown in the front row of the photo next to Jim) - organized a Relay for Life team to show his support of Jim and his battle with colon cancer. Jim thought it was great and checked the Web site several times a day to check out how his team was doing. Every time the two of us spoke, he'd update me with the fundraising progress of the Jim's Cornermen team. There was hope that he and Kate could make the trip to the Relay, but his cancer's progression made that trip not possible. However, he loved seeing the pictures of the kids at the Relay wearing their sandwich boards with his picture on them!
Mark and his wife Terri are once again organizing a Jim's Cornermen team to participate in the Relay for Life - raising money for cancer research, so that someday no one has to fear this disease that affects too many lives each day. I've copied Mark and Terri's letter below. If you are planning on giving to cancer research this year, won't you please choose to support Mark & Terri in memory of my brother Jim? It would mean a lot. Thank you.
Last year, before Jim's physical strength wanned, one of the Magnificent Six - Mark Kelly (shown in the front row of the photo next to Jim) - organized a Relay for Life team to show his support of Jim and his battle with colon cancer. Jim thought it was great and checked the Web site several times a day to check out how his team was doing. Every time the two of us spoke, he'd update me with the fundraising progress of the Jim's Cornermen team. There was hope that he and Kate could make the trip to the Relay, but his cancer's progression made that trip not possible. However, he loved seeing the pictures of the kids at the Relay wearing their sandwich boards with his picture on them! Mark and his wife Terri are once again organizing a Jim's Cornermen team to participate in the Relay for Life - raising money for cancer research, so that someday no one has to fear this disease that affects too many lives each day. I've copied Mark and Terri's letter below. If you are planning on giving to cancer research this year, won't you please choose to support Mark & Terri in memory of my brother Jim? It would mean a lot. Thank you.
Dear Friends,
Last year we formed Jim's Cornermen, a Relay for Life Team, in support of our friend, Jim Marventano, and his fight against cancer. The team helped us to feel like we were helping Jim in some small way. Aside from raising over $2500 for the American Cancer Society, we did help Jim. He loved our efforts and it made him so happy to see another name added to the "honor roll" on our website. He even caught the competitive spirit of the Relay, monitoring our progress in the top 3 and calling us with suggestions for reaching our goal even faster.
This year, we honor Jim with our team, Jim's Cornermen, to show him that we're still in his corner.
So, this week, as we mark six months since we said goodbye to our friend, please consider joining our team or making a donation to remember this great man.
You can make a donation or join the team by visiting our personal page at http://main.acsevents.org/goto/mark_kelly
Thank you in advance,
Mark & Terri Kelly
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Tired of old-man winter
So last night I was really, really sad. I missed Jimmy - A LOT. And after 17 years, I still missed my Gram.
I've never been a huge fan of winter. I don't do any winter sports (or any other season's sports for that matter) and it's difficult to motivate myself to get outside. I'm cold all the time. Just ask Mark who has to listen to me complain about it day and night.
Now I'm ready for the cold to break. I'm ready to get my hands in the dirt - my gardens are my passion. I have so many, I really can't keep up with them, but I try. There's just something so beautiful about gardens.
Jim died and we went into the worst time of the year for me. I want to see the hyacinths bloom. I want to get in my gardens and be with my thoughts. I want to be surrounded by beauty. I promised Jimmy that we'd create a memorial garden for him with a bench that had a plaque (his idea)— a special place each of us could sit and remember him amongst beauty and life.
I'm ready to start that garden. I really, really, really want winter to be gone.
I've never been a huge fan of winter. I don't do any winter sports (or any other season's sports for that matter) and it's difficult to motivate myself to get outside. I'm cold all the time. Just ask Mark who has to listen to me complain about it day and night.
Now I'm ready for the cold to break. I'm ready to get my hands in the dirt - my gardens are my passion. I have so many, I really can't keep up with them, but I try. There's just something so beautiful about gardens.
Jim died and we went into the worst time of the year for me. I want to see the hyacinths bloom. I want to get in my gardens and be with my thoughts. I want to be surrounded by beauty. I promised Jimmy that we'd create a memorial garden for him with a bench that had a plaque (his idea)— a special place each of us could sit and remember him amongst beauty and life.
I'm ready to start that garden. I really, really, really want winter to be gone.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Missing a lot of people tonight
The top photo is one of my favorite pictures. It's from right after we moved from the apartment in the city and into our house on Wildflower Drive. That's my Grandpa and Grandma Swayne with Mom, Jimmy and me in the photo. It's one of a very few photos I have of my Grandpa.
I always told my parents that if they divorced I wasn't choosing between them - I was going to live with Grandma! (She would've taken me too - as you can see from the second picture.) Mom and I are the only ones left in the picture. That makes me really sad. Some day that little girl with the barrettes in her hair will be standing all alone. I thought Jimmy would be forever standing there next to me, but he won't. That makes me really sad too.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Haunts from high school
Well, this just stinks. For most any woman reading this, I'm sure you'll identify with parts of today's blog and experienced yourself the clique-based world of high school girls. I certainly did.
Kirsten started playing lacrosse in Jr. High after Uncle Jim got her interested during one of our Easter trip to visit them. Lacrosse was Jim's Spring sport in high school and he loved sharing it with her. Last year, she went out for the JV team and made it. Although Jim was sick, he called to find out about every game and how she did. Mom and I taped a few of the games for him to watch on days he wasn't up to going into work. The HF-L Varsity coach went to school with Jim and he'd asked Kirsten how Jim was whenever he saw her. It was something special she shared with her uncle. Kirsten loved playing and was tickled pink that Uncle Jim was so proud of her.
I could see that it was a tough season for Kirsten. I told her, Jim, & my mom, how proud I was of her for going out for the team. None of her friends were on the team and I knew that at 15, I certainly wouldn't have been a strong enough person to go it alone. It was rougher than I imagined. Lacrosse tryouts began this week and Kirsten ultimately decided she just couldn't stand being on a team where the other girls wouldn't talk to her. It was an awful decision to have to make — it was something she enjoyed and shared with the uncle she just lost. She didn't want him to be disappointed in her.
I know that just about all of us has an experience running up against the clique in high school, but it just broke my heart that this one took something away from my daughter that can't be replaced. Jim's not here to tell her that he understands; that he's still proud of her for just being her; that the best part of sharing lacrosse with her was tossing the ball around together. She has to take my word for it on those things and I hope that's enough.
Kirsten started playing lacrosse in Jr. High after Uncle Jim got her interested during one of our Easter trip to visit them. Lacrosse was Jim's Spring sport in high school and he loved sharing it with her. Last year, she went out for the JV team and made it. Although Jim was sick, he called to find out about every game and how she did. Mom and I taped a few of the games for him to watch on days he wasn't up to going into work. The HF-L Varsity coach went to school with Jim and he'd asked Kirsten how Jim was whenever he saw her. It was something special she shared with her uncle. Kirsten loved playing and was tickled pink that Uncle Jim was so proud of her. 
I could see that it was a tough season for Kirsten. I told her, Jim, & my mom, how proud I was of her for going out for the team. None of her friends were on the team and I knew that at 15, I certainly wouldn't have been a strong enough person to go it alone. It was rougher than I imagined. Lacrosse tryouts began this week and Kirsten ultimately decided she just couldn't stand being on a team where the other girls wouldn't talk to her. It was an awful decision to have to make — it was something she enjoyed and shared with the uncle she just lost. She didn't want him to be disappointed in her. 
I know that just about all of us has an experience running up against the clique in high school, but it just broke my heart that this one took something away from my daughter that can't be replaced. Jim's not here to tell her that he understands; that he's still proud of her for just being her; that the best part of sharing lacrosse with her was tossing the ball around together. She has to take my word for it on those things and I hope that's enough.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Willis Berg Kling
Big Little Sister's comment reminded me very late last night that I'd wanted to post yesterday, but Kai got sick, Mark came home early to take her to the vets, and I got distracted until it was too late.
Yesterday was leap day - February 29th. It was also 20 years since Mark's dad, Willis Berg Kling, "Bill," passed away. In my brain, I know that I've been part of this family since before Kirsten was born 15+ years ago and I never met him; but to listen to Big Sister, Big Little Sister, and "Bro" (as the two of them call him) talk about their dad, I can't imagine that he's been physically out of their lives for that long. The years passed in one's brain versus in one's heart just don't seem to add up. He's still very much a part of their daily consciousness. I love to listen to them tell stories of him, and describe how each of them is like him in particular ways. We gave Sean his middle name - Sean Willis Kling - in memory of Mark's dad.
One of the biggest compliments I ever received from Mark was during a conversation about his dad. He said to me "I wish you had met him. He would've liked you." Knowing my husband, that said "I love you" more than any other words he could've said to me. I wish I had met him too. From the stories I hear, he was one hell of a guy. I would've liked him back.
Yesterday was leap day - February 29th. It was also 20 years since Mark's dad, Willis Berg Kling, "Bill," passed away. In my brain, I know that I've been part of this family since before Kirsten was born 15+ years ago and I never met him; but to listen to Big Sister, Big Little Sister, and "Bro" (as the two of them call him) talk about their dad, I can't imagine that he's been physically out of their lives for that long. The years passed in one's brain versus in one's heart just don't seem to add up. He's still very much a part of their daily consciousness. I love to listen to them tell stories of him, and describe how each of them is like him in particular ways. We gave Sean his middle name - Sean Willis Kling - in memory of Mark's dad. 
One of the biggest compliments I ever received from Mark was during a conversation about his dad. He said to me "I wish you had met him. He would've liked you." Knowing my husband, that said "I love you" more than any other words he could've said to me. I wish I had met him too. From the stories I hear, he was one hell of a guy. I would've liked him back.
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