Books, wonderful books

I've always been a reader. I can remember being fascinated with books as a little girl. My favorite Auntie was studying to be a teacher when I was a toddler, so I believe I can safely blame her for this love. She would read to me for hours. When I was four, she and my uncle got married and they moved to the Albany area. It fell to my older cousin, Susan, to read to me. Chapter books were above my own ability to read at the time, so that's what I begged for. Every night during my visit, Susie would come down and read me a chapter before bed. (Except the year I got the chicken pox. Then she refused to even come in the house! She'd come down to visit, make me go up to the second floor and open the bedroom window, then she'd stand outside the first floor and talk to me.)

An older lady, Grace Austin, lived next to my Grandmother and Grandfather Swayne. We didn't visit Grace much, but I do remember whenever I got to go over there, I was drawn to her bookshelf. She had a copy of Gone with the Wind from the year the movie was released. It was printed like a bible - two columns on each page, very fancy print at the beginning of the chapter, still pictures from the movie. I think I was probably able to read Dr. Seuss by myself at that point, but for some reason I just loved that book. Grace died around the time I was in the sixth grade and somehow I ended up with that lovely book. I read it cover-to-cover that year. I was quite proud of myself for reading such a grown-up book.

My Grandmother Swayne was also a reader. I believe I've said before that I'd go and stay with her for a couple weeks in the summer, and just about any weekend I could get someone to drive me down. When I was in college and had my own car, I'd drive myself down and spend the weekend with her. There was a bookshelf in one of the old bedrooms where she saved the books she'd read. The first night I was there, I'd make my way into the little bedroom to see what wonderful book I'd get to read during that particular visit.

So it doesn't surprise me that in my grief, I've turned to books. I recently purchased one based solely on its title, I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. Talk about a great title! It's actually written for people coping after the sudden death of a loved one, but there was a lot in it that resonated with me. I especially liked the following quote:

"Grief is not something we 'get over' or heal from as if it were an illness. It is a journey to a new stage of life. The goal is not forgetting or resolving. The goal is to reconcile yourself to your loss and discover some kind of spiritual meaning. You will always have a relationship with the person who died, but the relationship is different. Your quest is to discover that relationship."

Blog readers - HELP!

Before my brother passed away, he talked to me about buying a bench and putting a plaque on it in his memory. Kate's family had done that for an uncle, I believe he said, and he thought it was a really nice idea for my kids. He thought maybe out by the pool, but we keep the pool area locked for safety reasons, the kids aren't allowed in there alone, and it's not really open/accessible year-round. So I suggested putting the bench in a garden, where anyone could go sit without supervision.

Well, Mark and I expanded a garden and I purchased a bench Kate thought Jim would like, but I can't figure out where I can purchase one of those engraved signs to attach to the back of the bench that would say something like "In loving memory - James R. Marventano / May 28, 1969 - September 17, 2007" If anyone knows where I might get one - either in or around Rochester or online, I'd appreciate you dropping me a line.

As soon as the garden is finished, I'll take a picture and post for all to see. Thanks!

Auntie warned me...

When I began donating blood last year, I received a wonderful "Good for you!" email from my favorite Auntie. She told me of how she'd been giving for years and years...since her college days. She also mentioned that she was always so disappointed when the little finger prick blood test came back with a haemoglobin level too low to donate. Well, today my iron was too low, and I'm disappointed - just like Auntie said! I guess it was bound to happen at some point seeing it's pretty common in women, but, just like Auntie said, it is disappointing.

A very fun last evening

Our last evening in Kohler, we did two really fun things. Kate got tickets to the Kohler Arts Center to see a performance by the Koresh Dance Company. First off, the Kohler Arts Center is phenomenal. The Kohler Arts Center Web site gives you an idea of the phenomenal scope of what this organization brings to the community. We saw a performance mix of ballet, modern, and jazz dance. The first two dances were a bit sexual in nature and both Kate and I started wondering what we'd gotten Rachel and Sean into! But, it turned out to be PG, so we were happy. It was set to some really fun 40s, 50s, and 60s music. All the kids really liked it.

Jim and Kate took me and the kids to the Arts Center the first time we went to visit them in Wisconsin. We saw a drum performance that Sean really liked. Jim asked me how I liked it, and I'll never forget what he said after I told him "Yes, very much." He said: "Kate's amazing. She finds really cool stuff like this wherever we go." He said it with such respect and admiration for her. I have to agree - Kate does find the coolest things to do when we visit. And let me tell you, that's not exactly easy with kids who range from just under 2 years up to just under 16. Rachel told me how her Mom took her to the Kohler Arts Center to see the lassos. I guess there was a guy who did all these lasso tricks. Rachel thought it was just the coolest thing. Kate said after about two minutes, her arm would fallen off twirling the lasso around!

After the performance, we went to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream. For those of you who've never been to a Cold Stone, it is amazing. They hand-mix all the extras into your ice cream on an ice-cold stone (ha! thus the name). I got the "For Coffee Lovers Only" flavor. Funny, Kate said that was one of Jimmy's favorite's too.

It was a great visit and I miss Rachel and Jake so much already. It's good to be home, but it will be really difficult for me not to see them every day. I saw a lot of Jimmy and me in Jake and Rachel. I also liked being able to help Kate out with some of the little things. Things like taking the garbage out and emptying the dishwasher. When you're the only adult in the house, every time those little tasks need to be done, you're the only one to do them. You look at them and think "Geez, I did that the last ten times, it's not my turn! Can't someone else just do it this time?" It would be nice if the distance between Lima and Kohler wasn't so far.

We are women, hear us roar!

Today, Kate and I took the 3rd row seat out of my truck and drove down to the Cosco in Milwaukee to pick up 725 lbs worth of Sunray Playset for the kids! Jim would've been proud at our ingenuity getting it unloaded and into the backyard. We didn't lift it! We scooched it to the edge of the truck and lowered it onto the Amish-made wagon Mark and I bought Rachel. Mark uses our wagon to move the racecar engine around, so I figured this wagon would definitely move a 200 lb box! We then balanced each box on the wagon and moved the boxes one by one to the backyard.

The most difficult part of our day was deciding we were two tough chicks for having gotten the swingset by ourselves, and attempting to move Jim's lift chair to my truck. Even dismantled, the bottom part was very heavy and we struggled with it - but we got it out of the house without any broken bones, broken chair parts, or dings to the walls or doors in the house.
I'm sure Jim was shouting at us "DON'T DO IT!!!" the entire time, but we are talking about his sister and wife after all...two headstrong, take no shit women. We conquered today, and I hope he's now smiling at us, even as he's still shaking his head at us in disbelief.

Sunday - Summer time fun!

We went to Blue Harbor Waterpark on Sunday. It was a lot of fun for all the kids. They had fun stuff for little Jake, all the way up to Kirsten's age. It was nice for Kate to have someone to tag team with. Jake and I spent a little time going up and down climbing towers and through water sprayers, while Kate went down the waterslides with Rachel. The kids were pooped (which I had to explain to Rachel meant tired, not literally "pooped!" She looked at me in horror when I asked if she was pooped.) :-)

Monday is a more laid-back day, as Rachel has school in the morning and a dentist appt. in the afternoon. It looks like the weather is finally going to warm up, so perhaps we'll get out for a walk. I brought my running clothes, but have really been struggling in the morning with a head cold and I just haven't been able to get out to run. Kate's doing great though! She bought herself a pair of those Nike sneakers that connect to your iPod and she's been walking/jogging every day since I've been here.

Only a couple more days of fun here. I'm sad. I'm having a blast with the kids. Rachel is a lot like I was as a little girl. Jake is all boy - rough and tough and a ton of fun to play with. He's even saying Jude now.

Hopefully, I'll be able to post another update before we leave Wednesday morning.

Day #1 - BRIO fun!

Hi everyone! It was a LONG trip to Wisconsin, but we did pretty good. Left our house at 8:03am and arrived in Kohler about 9:15pm (10:15 EST). I guesstimated pretty good -- 12 1/2 hours, plus an hour for each kid! Rachel waited up for us, which was fun for us to arrive and see her right away.

Saturday, we were all pretty beat...us from the drive and Rachel from waiting up for us, so we just hung around the house. Aunt Judi brought a Brio train set for Rachel and Jake. It was Sean's and I offered it to Jim for the kids a while back, but he wanted to wait until the playroom downstairs was finished before accepting any more toys. Dad finished that room for Jimmy during August when they were here, so Kate thought it would be great to have it now. It was a big hit! Jake absolutely loved it. So much that he was a little selfish with his sister and a couple fights ensued. They are very much like Jimmy and I were. She's a bossy big sister and he's a feisty, take no prisoners, little brother. She thinks nothing of telling him what she wants him to do, and he takes a big swing at her with whatever toy is handy if her idea doesn't suit him. (Jimmy used to bite me.) Sunday we're heading out to Blue Harbor - a waterpark. Pictures of that outing later!

Spring has arrived!

It's officially warm enough here in Lima that the cat, who hates the dog, is willing to broker peace for a patch of beautiful sunshine!

It looks like it's going to be a rainy travel day for the kids and me. We leave for Wisconsin to see Kate and the kids tomorrow morning...hopefully before 8am. It's about a 12 1/2 hour trip sans kids. Add an extra hour per kid and you've got our approximate arrival time! I'm going to try and post some pictures of the kids and their cousins and let everyone know how the trip is going. Wish me luck!

Mild sleep apnea

Well, I wasn't dreaming — Mark's actually stopping breathing while he sleeps...about 11 times per hour when he's on his side. That's considered mild in the medical community, but not by my standards! It's actually more frequent on his back - enough to bump up into the moderate category - but he snores so loudly on his back, I don't let him stay in that position too long. It's pretty frightening to know you wake in the night because your spouse stopped breathing and then his body involuntarily thrashed itself awake to start breathing again. I worry about him - a lot. Sleep apnea can cause a whole slew of other health problems like high blood pressure and strokes. He thinks I'm crazy for worrying and rolls his eyes at me when I voice my fears. He's going to try a CPAP machine while we work on weight loss for both of us. We've both gained a bit of weight from the stress of my brother's illness.

There was one night where he was totally silent - so silent I considered poking him to see if he was still breathing! What has my life come to?

Wisconsin-bound

Friday, the kids and I are heading out to visit Kate, Rachel & Jake for 4 days. I'm excited to see them, but at the same time pretty anxious. I still say "We're heading out to Uncle Jim and Aunt Kate's." or "...my brother's house." It can't not be his anymore. This is what it's supposed to look like when we visit, but I know it can't look like this anymore either. My sister-in-law is great - Jim couldn't have married better. The kids are going to be climbing all over one another having fun. It'll be a wonderful trip...but we'll all know there's one person missing whom we all wish wasn't.

Here's to some wonderful friends

In yesterday's post, I said I had some wonderful friends. However, rereading the post made me wonder if perhaps I had dismissed their importance in my life because they haven't shared all 42 1/2 years of it. So, in alphabetical order, here's a few big THANK YOUS to friends who've helped me through an awful year -

Adam - who lost his best friend to cancer earlier in the year; met me out for coffee several times to listen and share. Adam understands my perfectionist tendencies and desire to remain "strong," so he was the perfect person to listen! He and Charlie also gave me more time off from work to spend with Jimmy than any other employer on the face of the earth would have.

Amy and Brian - my medical reference team and impromptu dinner hosts. Amy and Brian were a medical sounding board for an entire year, and weren't afraid to ask us down to dinner immediately after Jimmy passed away. I don't think I would've bothered to eat that night if they hadn't cooked for us.

Andy - we kid that we were separated at birth about 8 years apart, he continues to be my daily phone therapist! He and his partner, Mark, sent me a gift card to use towards travel costs when I was traveling to see Jim in Wisconsin and to doctor's appts in NYC or Chicago with him & Kate.

Cheryl - who was going through cancer treatments herself, and still asked and listened. It must've been terrifying to hear about another cancer patient losing the battle, but she didn't flinch.

Chris and Ursula - who sent YUMMY Cheryl and Company goodies, and then sat with Sean at the memorial service because he started to cry while I was in the receiving line and Mark wasn't around to comfort him.

Christine - whom I hadn't heard from since after high school, who called me on my cell as I was driving to Jimmy's to say goodbye, who showed up at the memorial service, and who wrote me a beautiful note about her memories of Jimmy and me as siblings. How many of us would've done that after 20 years? Talk about a warm-hearted person, that's Christine.

Jeff and Terry - who sent a beautiful floral arrangement as soon as they found out of my loss, and ask Mark how I'm doing every time they see him.

Lori - who never failed to ask about my brother when we were outside with the kids...always with tears in her eyes showing her pain for me. Lori gave me a lily to plant out near our pool. All summer, I'll be able to look at the beautiful flowers and think of Jimmy.

Melissa - my running and drinking partner, who listened to an entire year of cancer ups and downs as we jogged our way around Lima or over an alcoholic beverage on her deck. And her husband, Russ, - who kept Mark sane and busy with shooting! And who handed us an Exxon/Mobil gift card to help with gas money on our final trip out to say goodbye.

Rozanne - who sent a DVD called "God said Ha!" It made me laugh and cry. I'm now a Julia Sweeney fan.


And here's a few big THANK YOUS to some very important family members who were/are critical in helping me survive!

Auntie Cheryl - who calls and emails me more than anyone else. Auntie lost her niece in a car accident before we lost Jimmy. She'd been through the wringer already and knew how much she was needed in her niece's life for support.

Tonia & Kyrie - Auntie's niece was their daughter & sister. They know the sadness and held out hands of comfort. Tonia gave me a bracelet from Compassionate Friends that says Forever in my heart. I don't ever take it off. I wear it all the time with the one Jeri had made up in colon cancer blue that says "We love you Jimmy"

Aunt Susie - my mom's best friend. An absolute rock for my mom. Thank you for taking care of my mom because I just can't — I'm hurting too much myself. Thank you for driving out to Jimmy's with us for the memorial service. It was the quickest ride ever out there and it was a comfort knowing that you were in the car with Mom & Dad on the way home...they were so tired and I was worried about them driving home alone.

David & Jessica - Poor David...my older cousin, who hears from me at Christmas and the odd family gathering. One day, when Jimmy's chemo wasn't working, I just couldn't handle it anymore and called him. And then I kept calling...but only when I was overwhelmed. David let me lay everything at his feet, then he picked it up and carried it for me for a while. It must stink to be the oldest in an Italian family. I suspect David has to pick up more than just my burdens, but I sure am thankful for him, and his wife Jessica - who lost her sister too, so she knew just what words would comfort.

Jo, Steph & Rick - who stayed with my kids (and dog) just about every time Mark and I scooted out of town to be with Jim. And let me tell you...my kids are unique and a challenge! Especially Sean who won't eat - he's beyond a picky eater.

Linda - who continues to check in with me on almost a weekly basis to tell me she's thinking about me and encourages me to keep chugging along through my grief.

Lynne - who gave more support to Kate and me as we were looking for treatment options and cures for Jimmy than anyone, including Dr. Haid.

I truly am blessed and am thankful for everyone in my life who helps me keep going every day...even if I haven't mentioned them specifically in this post.